Ah, so many thoughts and emotions in this section of time.
finding out i was pregnant. what a whirlwind. as a girl, you’re whole life you think about that time. being pregnant. will i be able to get pregnant? what will it be like? who will my partner be? will we have to try for a long time. will it happen by accident? i think as a female, i know I’m not alone, that deep in my heart i had this fear….what if i will never be able to get pregnant? i had that fear, and i actually never said it outloud maybe all but once, because i didnt want to give that fear life. call me superstitious…but i just thought, if i dont say it outloud, maybe it wont come true.
i always knew i wanted to have children, there was never a time i didnt, but that became so so much stronger when i met CJ. he has an unmatched love for children. its one of the things i fell in love with him first about. kids love him. and he adores them. for years, i got to watch him with my 4 nieces and nephews, and watch their relationship grow. he loves them like they are his own. noelle. they have had a special relationship since they first met when she was 1 or so. he always wants to facetime. always want to go see them. have them visit. he spoils them and loves them so much. babies, kids, in public that we dont know…he will always be playing with them and becoming their friend. and i thought i loved kids! its really heartwarming.
so thru out our relationship, we’ve talked about kids, our kids, from basically the beginning. another things that i always loved about him and us. he was never ever afraid to talk about the future or our future family. we would always tell stories of what we thought it would be like, when we would want to try, and how many kids we wanted. we even named our first child in the first year of dating. (and yes, thats still the name) so we’ve been calling our unborn and un-conceived child by his/her name (yes, its unisex) for years already, which i love. she’s already been her, for so long. when we see our child, she’s already existed within us for years. its so amazing to be there now, and be living those make believe stories out.
and all that, its still such a whirlwind actually seeing the “pregnant” sign come up on the test. its real. its already done. there’s no decisions to even make. its real. you are pregnant. it immediately consumed my thoughts about 99.9% of the day. i was consumed.
I found out i was pregnant on May 10th. CJ and I were together to take the test after work. it was after a long week of both our families visiting for mothers day & birthdays. and i didnt even know! so i was actually pregnant on mothers day. once we saw the “pregnant” on the test….well, then i took another just in case….but we just sat for hours and talked and was in complete disbelief….its real! just mind blowing.
how cute is this picture? i took it in the first couple months of us dating. and blogged a few photos of this mystery man before anyone knew i was dating him. i love it.
we kept it for a secret for a long time. i now know – man! – thats a big secret to keep. those feelings between CJ and I, holding such a big secret…was really (and is) such a sweet time in our relationship. we were talking about it all the time, neither one of us ever grew tired of talking about it and just how wild it is and wrapping our heads around it! there was no one to spill the beans to, so it was a cute time for us to just constantly gab to each other about it. i feel so incredible blessed that CJ is so in love with this baby already and so completely interested in every little detail i feel, think about and have to say about being pregnant. especially in the 1st trimester, he asked me every single day how do you feel today? and i just felt so taken care of, that he would always be asking me. if you know us, and our temperament….i tend to love to take care of him and alllll that, so for it to be turned around, really felt like the first time of that dynamic and it was really heartwarming.
we wanted to tell everyone in person. so we had to wait quite a while to tell our families. my sister meagan first, she lives here. then my older sister, serena, visited with her family, and we told her and sterling. then we drove down to portland for 4th of July to tell his family. then went to spokane in the middle of July to tell all my family. we told all our friends one by one in person, or all my girlfriends at a “wine night” i threw. which was so fun.
telling people we were pregnant, has to be one of my favorite memories of all time. it was incredible. moving. emotional. ecstatic. it was just the best. i know that telling your friends and family for the first time, with your first baby, will be unlike anything else and it was. it was just our favorite times to be able to finally tell the secret to those we love most. it was so incredible. seeing peoples responses was the best memory. i wish we could tell everyone all over again!
its been fun to have this be our little secret this long. I’m 17 weeks and we still havent announced it yet. getting close tho, because someone last week looked at me and said “oh you’re pregnant” (i mean, i was touching my stomach) someone i just met…so i guess its time to tell here soon. we are ready. but up to this point, its just been amazing sharing it with our close friends and family and keeping it to ourselves. im excited for this next section. for the world to know! to get bigger and not be able to hide with a flowy dress. 2nd half of the pregnancy….here we come.
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