whats the first sentence to pen down. to start this off.
im the happiest i could ever imagine in the world.
minutes ago, i had (once again) tears in my eyes as we ended a movie. a girl stands on this cliff overlooking some far off land talking about soaking up your single life, enjoying it, because you rarely have a point in your life when you’re not wrapped up in a relationship with another. person. sibling. significant other. and im thinking about all the years i was single and embracing everything. traveling the world. shooting my heart out. meeting people. living on a whim. really truly enjoying that section of life. and now im sitting next to CJ, watching our daughter sleep on the monitor and its (once again) so overwhelming how beautiful and moving life is. now im in a completely new part of life and my feet couldnt be happier to have them right where they are. there are so many parts of our life we’re looking forward to something else. not the right here. graduating. growing up. starting something else. the most beautiful thing im grateful to have been able to do in my adulthood is be. right. where. i. was. ive had years building a brand, spending time abroad, dating.
and now. i couldnt. wouldnt. rather be anywhere else than right where i am. right. here.
being a mother.
if im being honest. its the most natural role i’ve ever felt my name associated with.
i feel like im expected to say im out of sorts. and stressed. and wondering what to do. isnt that what life with a 6 week old is like?
and i feel like im an ass for not saying that. but i honestly feel so happy, so right where i should be. my best role and spot in life yet. watching CJ and I become parents is so wonderful. we are constantly saying to each other, can you believe she’s ours? battling over who gets to change her diaper. carry her upstairs. a few weeks in saying to each other, maybe lets have 4 instead of 3. i feel so grateful to have a partner who asks if i think i could possibly love her more than he does (#duh of course i do) A partner who tears up thinking about going back to work
and who knows, maybe this is how all parents feel. and now we just finally get to understand. now we’re on this side of the fence. its a side i would never want to be back on that other side of. as CJ says, life 2.0.
our girl. is the best girl ever.
i have so much to share and write down. gosh i need to be journaling way more. writing down everywhere my mind is at. because its all changing so much and growing. the days have gone by so fast, i really need to carve out time because i dont want to forget this.
what it felt like to hold her right on me, skin to skin for almost 2 days. right when she was born. that was the most beautiful, calming, profound moment of my entire life. that’s a moment i will look back on when she’s 18. when she’s a bride. when she’s full into adulthood and I’m amazed that she was once small enough to fit on my chest. those first moments as mother and daughter. our whole lives ahead as a mother and daughter ahead, just beginning. i would already give anything to go back to that moment. the fact that it was just CJ and I sharing that time, no one else, no visitors, i wouldnt change it for the world (or in the future). those moments could never be had again and i would never have been able to hand her off to a visitor. (if you have a child please do this, i know thats my opinion, but i would have been so sad to lose those moments between us 3 as family…we should lose the hey everybody come to the hospital, i just went thru one of the most incredible, taxing experiences, now lets fill a room) meeting our daughter for the first time. a human you love so much, but have never met before. is the most wild experience. and having those quiet hours with just us was incredible. not having to share our time. tell the story, answer questions….just sit, cry, marvel, sleep, be in awe. feel this feeling for the first moments of our lives together…those moments, for us, were moments i will forever look back on as one of the greatest moments of my life. i cannot say enough, how having those quiet days to just us was so key and i couldnt imagine it any other way.
seeing her first smile. coming into her view and her lighting up. repeatedly. hearing her coo.
knowing out of everyone in the world, im the one she needs the most. its the most wonderful thing in the world.
the most simple things. which is really what we have most days. just simple things. and they are the exactly where i want to spend my days.
i love getting things done. i love achieving. putting my mind to something and doing it. i feel like for so many years ive been living at a very fast speed. which is a speed i love. loving a long to do list and laying in bed with a mind ready to wake up and do it all again. i love that. and i couldnt be in a more different space right now. i dont need to be anywhere other than where i am. for the first time in the longest, my duties start and end in my home, centered around a tiny little 9 pound girl. ive never allowed myself to be where i am. to do one thing. just be a mom right now. not achieving or dreaming or planning, zipping here or zipping there for one more errant or making plans. not on my computer, not writing down a list in a blue pen and getting joy crossing them off with a pink highlighter. and i dont feel guilty. i dont feel bad and thats not something ive ever felt. i didnt know if i would. but i do. and im not going to let myself feel anything other than grateful and happy that i can be right where i am. being a mom. and just a mom right now.
i dont know if it will change, because i know 6 weeks in, is really early on, but there’s nothing as fulfilling as what im doing now. and i want to use this space to be real and cut the bullshit and not write down to the full extent of what im feeling then because im writing this for me, not you. i feel like right now i could give up everything else and keep my name just as mom. and i dont mean just. a good just. maybe it will come back, maybe i wont only want to keep my feet here but i know how controlling i am. i couldnt imagine giving her to someone else. i love shooting so much, so im sure i wont want to see that piece go, but my mind right now is…i couldnt imagine doing anything else.
how do i get to be this lucky in life. i feel so grateful. its the sweetest, most wonderful, special thing i’ve ever experienced.
thank you Lord for this sweet perfect princess. my angel.
thank you for allowing me to write this new title next to my name: mom.
lots more writing to come. our whole birth story. a doozy. a list of my favorite things we love and use. and her newborn shoot!